Beach Blogging

I Got 99 Problems And Being A Nerd Is One

2011-11-05T14:45:00.000-07:00

Jordan just got a Justice League comic in a cereal box and got really excited about it. This made me feel that the nerd culture was making a step forward, that the next generation was getting into it. To see just how far he has come, I asked him to name all the members.

I pointed to Superman and he knew him. Same with Batman and The Green Lantern. I then pointed to Aquaman and of course Jordan didn’t know who he was. Seriously, Aquaman is famous for sucking. Why would Jordan know or care about that dude.

Next, I pointed The Flash and again Jordan didn’t recognize him. I was starting to feel a little bit like a failure now. Just because Hollywood has not made a movie about The Flash doesn’t mean that a nine year old shouldn’t know who he is.

Finally, I pointed to Wonder Woman and asked if he knew who she was. He got a big smile, started to walk away said “Super Woman” and then did a Jay Z “brushing the dirt off my shoulder” move like he nailed it.

While I loved the bravado (I’m sure I don’t know where he learned the move) it made me start to question myself as a nerd parent. He should know who Wonder Woman is after all.

So I decided to make this a teaching moment and told him who it was and got the response that shook me to the core, “whatever.” As I a stood there in stunned silence, Wendy was looking at me with concern, like I was about to cry.

This just showed me while Jordan has come a long way, there is still much I have to show him.

What I Learned At The 3 Day 2012

2011-10-08T16:26:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the annual 3 Day recap-Joey style! I have done this post for two years now, while last year’s post was from a walker’s perspective (you can read it here) this year will be a glimpse from a crew member. A blurry, sleepy eyed glimpse but hopefully informative. Enough of the introduction, let’s get to the good stuff!

It’s a good idea to have a least one person that can sew on your team.

One of the things that make The 3 Day so much fun is that you get to wear costumes, but usually those costumes are original and homemade. That means someone putting needle and thread to cloth. Those of us on the Food Service Crew are incredibly spoiled in this department. We have a bunch of great ladies putting together things like chef hats and aprons. But the coup de gras for me is that have my very own seamstress, and Wendy put together a superhero costume for the ages. For opening, it was my job to man the street by the long-term parking garage and wave the walkers in. It was five in morning and I was on a dark street corner and I was totally waiting for crime to happen so I could go fight it. On the downside, there are not too many phone booths around to do the super hero switch. Oh well, one uses what one can. Which leads to:

Being a Superhero is as much fun as I imagined.

Whether it’s a Pink Masked Marvel costume or an Ironman suit, living the life a hero is awesome! Plus, the ladies of The 3 Day have no problem objectifying a man and copping feel of the guns, which of course didn’t bother me a bit.

Don’t get between a walker and her coffee at 5:00 in the AM.

Not much to add here other than the fact if you are the one to have coffee for her in your hand, you get to be a hero even if you aren’t in a suit.

No matter how many times I do The 3 Day, it never fails to change my life.

Closing still gets me. It always happens when we raise our shoe to the survivors. I have written in the past the survivors are the rock stars of weekend, and as the years go by and I meet more people at the events, the more I respect and admire them. I’ll be worried when it doesn’t get to me anymore.

Karaoke isn't just for the talented anymore.

"Don’t sign up for Karaoke unless you can bring it" is what I wrote last year. That hasn't changed but when the gal singing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (and REALLY bringing it) is asking for a guy to sing the Rory Dodd "turn around bright eyes" part, I stepped up. Yes I had to Goggle the dude's name, even my vast Useless Knowledge Memory Banks didn't know it and you didn't know either. It was the Glee version and I managed to fumble through it (I have a HUGE post in my head about how that show is killing all the songs from my high school experience). Everybody was really cool saying that I did a good job but what do they know? They just walked 20 miles and are on an Gatorade high. Still, the complements are very much appreciated. Here is a video of my "performance" and if anybody know who the gal is, please let me know.

Sprinklers that are used to water big fields, are really good at their job.
And those pink tents are not good at repelling the water. But, even the pink tent offers some protection, those sleeping on cots the medical tent didn't even have that much. Things started around two o'clock Sunday morning and as the word got out, people were dragging their tents off the field. Tables were overturned and placed on the sprinkler heads. As you can imagine, chaos ensued. I'm reasonably certain I was the only person to sleep through the whole thing. It's not very often you get to hear the benefits of sleep apnea.

Stickers seem to be the only currency that matters for three days.

If you have on a super hero suit, people tend to talk to you. If you have on a super hero suit and are handing out stickers, people crowd around like you are a levitating David Blaine Street Magician. Wait, he's a bit creepy now isn't he? How about crowding around like you are Yoda levitating a X-wing fighter? Too nerdy? Too bad, I'm a nerd and this is my blog.

Just because you are a bus driver, that doesn't mean you know how to drive a bus.<

Buses are big and they don't make signs like they used to. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure they ever made signs that can hold up to a bus.

The Remembrance Tent will affect you.

This year was the first time I went into the Remembrance Tent and saw a picture of someone I knew. In 2009, I went in there with no idea what to expect and it hit me hard. I didn't know a single person in any of the pictures. I didn't know any of the names written on the tent. The sense of love and lose was so heavy and brought home to me why people participate at the 3 Day. In the intervening years, as my circle of friends and family has grown, so has my awareness of cancer. There have been members of my family that have beat it that I didn't know about. I have met and come to love people through The 3 Day that are fighting cancer, some for a second or third time. People who have had lost mothers, daughters, sisters or aunts and people who just want to make a difference. I don't want to see any more pictures added to the Remembrance Tent.

High School-20 Years Later

2011-06-21T20:52:00.001-07:00

So Wendy and I went to our 20 year high school reunion last weekend and I have a few random thoughts about it.

My batting average of facial or name recognition of people was about three for every ten, a respectable .300 average. Well, it sucked to have to tell the other seven people “yeah, I have no idea.”

Alcohol didn’t help with names but it helped in other ways. There is nothing a Jello shot can’t make better.

The great planners of the shindig had name tags on lanyards for everybody but I don’t think they thought far enough however. So ladies, I want you to know that I was trying to look at the name tag on your chest, not your…well chest. Really.

Some high school cliques will never apparently die, even though they really should.

I *don’t* dance, ever. I don’t care how many models Wendy sends over to try and drag me to the dance floor, it will not happen. And this is for the benefit of everybody else. So instead of complaining, just thank me.

Music from the 80’s is still the best. Ever. Period.

Chick mullets were kinda cool back then. I’m still on the fence about girls having them now. Dude mullets are still super awesome! I will still try to grow one despite the ever constant threat of being shaved in the middle of the night.

Lastly, I want to thank everybody who came up and told me how much they like my stuff. It was appreciated as much as it was a surprise. Thank you. I write this stuff mostly because I like to crack myself up. But I do have what standup comedians refer to as the brain damage that makes them want to have other people like them, so hearing the positive feedback was really cool. Thanks again.

Onion Goggles Are Badass!

2011-06-01T15:53:00.000-07:00

My sister-in-law Carrie introduced Wendy and me to one of the greatest inventions ever; the Onion Goggles! They are used to keep your eyes from tearing up while chopping onions. And they look super cool. Here is a picture of my niece Ava wearing them.

We loved them so much that Carrie gave Wendy a pair for Christmas. Even though they are Wendy's, she "lets" me chop the onions so I can use them. The one drawback is now Jordan thinks that if he isn't wearing the goggles, he can't look at onions without his eyes burning. Even if a chef is chopping them on TV he turns away and screams. It's awesome! You can't not look cool while wearing them as Jordan shows us here.

I have a huge man-crush on Nathan Fillion. Not only do I not deny it, I celebrate it proudly! Granted, Wendy is a bit creeped out by this but it isn't really the strangest thing she has to deal with when it comes to my nerdliness. Because of this bromance, I picked up the first season of Castle on DVD and began watching it. When I reach the third episode, look who is wearing the Onion Goggles!

After I saw this, all I could think was "Holy crap, Nathan Fillion is as cool as my family!" True story.

Oh Bleep

2011-05-31T16:21:00.000-07:00

So this happened to me today: I'm removing some fire alarm stuff for a remodel in a church and I’m working up in the attic. I needed to look behind an alcove to see where the wires were going, so I climbed up on to what I thought some framing and a shelf that was built to house the HVAC ducts. I took one step and turned on my flashlight.

That’s when I fell through the attic. One moment I was standing what I thought was plywood and the next I fell through what turned out to be really dirty and dusty sheetrock. Lucky for me, the HVAC ducts and the soffit were there to catch my fall. A fall that was only about three feet.

Now, those of you that know me really well would think that this kind of thing happens to me all the time but in truth, I have never fallen through an attic, ceiling or anything else of the kind. So it was a little scary.

Now, I’m not going to say how things totally slowed down Matrix style because they didn’t. It happened so fast I couldn’t even get a “oh shit” out. And I’m very quick with my swearing. It really was: I'm tall, now I'm in straddling this AC duct.

The best thing about all of this is that no one saw it. I was already filthy from working and I didn’t hurt myself and wasn't bleeding so nobody knows. I needed to change my underwear but no long term damage. Well, my pride maybe but that has taken so many hits it’s almost bulletproof.

Memorial Day 2011

2011-05-30T08:54:00.000-07:00

I wrote this post a few years ago and wanted to bring it back because of Memorial Day and share some stuff about my Dad.

My dad was a Seabee during the Viet Nam war. It was his job to build the defenses and structures while still fighting the enemy.

He did two tours there and even though he was in the Navy, he didn’t spend any time on ships. He wore combat boots and fatigues. He carried a rifle and stomped in the same mud as any solder.

On his first tour, he was on Seabee Technical Assistance Team 0311. After that, the Navy was asking for volunteers for Team 0312 that was going to be stationed at Micronesia. No fighting this time but instead there would be scuba diving and a Boston Whaler.

After only four months of training, the Army’s 9th infantry division was sent home and Seabee Team 0312 was sent to help fill the gap. Navy=Never Again Volunteer Yourself.

Recently, he has been trying to get in touch with his teammates and is planning a reunion in June. One of his best friends who was on both Seabee teams was a guy called Doc. Doc had died 8 years ago and Dad has been corresponding with his wife Joyce.

Mostly he has written about the time spent in Asia. Doc, like most guys that served, didn’t talk much about that time with family. The letters touched on things from their six months of training to a time Doc took my Dad a trip to a village to help the sick and injured.

Dad as been sending me copies of the letters he has been writing to her. As I read these letters, it came crashing down on me that the time Dad was talking about, he was 15 years younger than I am now.

These letters opened a window to my dad and I am getting to see different side of him.

People have been asking me about my humor in my writing. So to bring this full circle, I want to end this post with an excerpt from a letter my Dad sent out to his teammates. It was a three page autobiography that started out like this:

"In May of 1945, Germany surrendered unconditionally to the Allies. Two months later, Jack Joe (my Dad) was born. The Japanese realizing with this birth their cause was unattainable also surrendered. (Thus) ending World War Two." It eerily sounds like something I would have written.

This is Seebee Team 0311. Dad is in the bottom row, second from the left.

I Dont Have Too Much Confidence In Humanity

2011-05-29T14:26:00.001-07:00

Wendy and I went to Pike Place Market and we saw some things that make me believe that the human race is going to end up like the dinosaurs.

I know that if there are six billion of anything, some of those things are going to suck, some will be awesome and the majority will be bland. Yet, a rare few can rise to the top and stand out even among the normal stupid human behavior. Here a few things that we saw.

If you are going to buy something and take a good ten minutes to pay because you are counting out change from a ziplock bag, you had better be a kid. If you happen to be a older lady doing this, you are pissing off the world. The coin counting machines are frakking awesome, give them a try. Also, if you are counting out a mountain of change, for the love a God know how to count!

Pike Place Market can be crowded. When there is a Mariner game on in a few hours, the Market will get very crowded. When the team the M's are playing happens to be the Yankees, the Market can be unbelievably crowded with people wearing Yankees crap. Because of this, it's important to understand how crowds move in narrow spaces. Or rather, how they don't move. If you stop in the middle of the narrow lane of traffic, you will piss off a butt-load of people. If you stop in a narrow lane of traffic to pop a zit on your husband's nose, not only will you piss off a butt-load of people, you will totally gross them all out too. Seriously, take that stuff home or at least move to the street.

I know this is a PC time in our lives, especially when it come to our children. But if I ever even tried some of the stuff kids just do now when I was a kid, my Mom would have beaten me to inch of my life...and would have justified to do so! What parents are letting kids get away with now is amazing to me. It's like we don't want our children to have even one second of unpleasant experiences.

So now we have a generation of kids who think they should be given everything, get a trophy for just playing win or lose and when their parents tell them to do something, they treat it like it's more of a suggestion.

Eating lunch around these kids suck balls. You just can't enjoy anything around these wild uncontrollable beings. Tigers have it right when they eat their young sometimes.

I have to admit that not everybody at Pike Place sucks. There are some very cool things there that people have made or got. If you have a 13 year old boy's sense of humor, Pike Place is awesome. If you are a nerd, the Market is a treasure trove. Here are a couple things that I found that made me giggle.

Hannibal Lector's favorite side dish.

I LOVE the Evil Dead movies. I hate that I could not, after 20 minutes of trying, rotate this picture. Anyway, the Nerd Store at Pike Place had a bunch of ID tags for all kinds of TV shows and movies.

This needs no words at all. Mmmmm soup.

Mi Familia

2011-05-13T13:16:00.001-07:00

It's crazy how much I love these two.

Disney Vacation Day Two

2011-05-11T08:25:00.000-07:00

We are eating breakfast on Wednesday morning before Two Day and I’m jotting down some quick thoughts.

Getting a kid to do his homework before going to Disneyland is no small feat.

As we were looking for a place for lunch, we Jordan what he would like. We are surrounded by tons of cool and new restaurants and all he said was McDonald’s. We didn’t get on an airplane and fly down here just to have a frakking quarter pounder!

Some things can only happen to me: Like when going to the bathroom, I yank on the drawstrings to my shorts to hard and they knot up. I can’t undo the knot so I decide to pull the leg on my shorts up. I imagine this looked odd to all the guys in the restroom.

Souring Over California is AWESOME! I knew it was going to be because while standing in line the face and voice of the ride is Patrick Warburton. Effing Patrick Warburton! “Enjoy the flight little aviators” he said. Indeed, indeed I will Patrick Warburton. And thanks.

The only more annoying than two high school girls yammering on and on is two high school girls yammering on and on while standing next to you in line for 35 minutes.

If it was feasible, I would make a lightsaber everyday.

Disney Vacation Day One

2011-05-09T20:22:00.000-07:00

Our first day of our trip involved me flying. I know it doesn’t say anything good about me that Jordan, an eight year old, flies better than I do. On the plus side, I’m not a bother to anybody while in the air; unless snoring counts. Funny side story about buying the tickets: Wendy asked me whether I wanted an isle or window seat. I told her that a window would be better so people would not have to climb over my inert body. Then she asked where on the plane I would like to sit. I turned, looked at her and said “I’m going to be unconscious, duct tape me to the wing for all I care.”

So we land and now I’m feeling better about being on the ground. That was unit we got on the shuttle to the hotel. Do you remember Bill Murray’s Scrooged, the scene where he is in a taxi driven by Buster Poindexter? That was would have been less scary than what we had to endure. I’m so glad that the Xanax hadn’t completely left my system.

We are going to be here for basically five days so we decided not to hit the parks until tomorrow, Tuesday. Instead, we went to Downtown Disney and walked into all the shops and places designed to take our cash. I bought a cool Mickey Sorcerer’s Apprentice hat (it lights up!) and a gift or two for some friends.

We got back to the hotel and hit the pool. Our room wasn’t ready yet so our luggage was still being held in the secret squirrel hidey hole. No swim shorts for any of us. Jordan, did I mention that he is eight, is getting so antsy that Wendy had to go and get our bags out of deep freeze and find some swimming apparel for him. We played in the pool for a bit while Wendy turned a pretty pink color.

Finally, we went back into Downtown Disney to get some brick oven pizza at Naples. There they had, the only thing that I could call them, balloon artists. We saw them make a Little Mermaid, Pluto and other stuff that I don’t even know what there were suppose to be. The margarita pizza was fantastic!

Our day started three in the morning and we made it to about eight PM befor hitting the wall. Not bad all and all. Tomorrow I will be wearing a pedometer to see just how relaxing this vacation really is.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-07T10:20:00.000-07:00

It’s Mother’s Day again I want to acknowledge three special ladies in my life. No, not Mariska Hargitay, Olivia Munn and Jessica Biel. While special, they are disqualified to be in this post because of the multiple restraining orders. On a side note, I was able to spell Mariska Hargitay’s name right the first time and that in of its self is bit disturbing considering I can’t spell anything. Seriously, I still need to look at my drivers’ license to spell my middle name.

First there is my Mom. What can I say; I caused her 147 hours of painful labor, ran around with her breast pump on my forehead (that might have been my brother but for this post let us just assume it was me) and was, you know, me. She took Tony and me to a bazillion soccer practices and games, most of which she watch through her fingers covering her eyes as her kids ran with reckless abandon into other kids, goal posts and anything else within reach, usually head first.

Mom was there to share the great times, talk me through the terrible times and always seems to be at the top of the standings in fantasy baseball. My Mom gave the inspiration to be the person that I have become which I think is…pretty cool.

Sandie, my Step-Mom, has been in my life for about 27 years (this is how old she claims to be and being a gentleman I have never questioned but it does seem weird that she turns 27 on EVERY birthday) which means that she has been around for as long as I remember.

Since I have had an amazing child enter my life, I find myself feeling the need to apologize to all the parents that have been responsible in helping me along the way. By the way, every single one of my ‘rents have laughed their hinnies off at these phone calls. And I am starting to understand the unique difficulties of being a step parent. Now I have Jordan half the time, while Sandie only had us for two day every other weekend. I can only imagine the challenges that caused in trying to be an influence over Tony and me. Still, looking back she did a great job.

Lady number three is Wendy Glem (that is how I met her waaaaaaaaaay back in the day). Quick Joey tangent here: I still giggle at random times thinking about how I’m with Wendy Glem. OK’ I’m back. I have been living with Wendy for over a year now and watching her with Jordan has been the most incredible journey I have been a part of.

Her patience and unbelievable understanding continue to inspire me every day. She works so hard to make sure that Jordan doesn’t want for anything. No matter how difficult any given situation is, I have not once heard Wendy raise her voice. The fact that Jordan is great kid is a direct testament to Wendy and her steady parenting.

Wendy and I, plus most of her friends and my family, joke that she is raising two boys. In a real sense she is, giving the fact that I’m still very new to this parenthood thing and she needs to nudge me along sometimes.

So happy Mother’s Day Mom, Sandie and Wendy! I love you all and thank you for being a huge a part on my life.

The Blue Cooler Wars-The First Great Battle Is Fought

2011-04-15T22:43:00.000-07:00

Blue Cooler Recap: I and my then wife gave it to Tony and Carrie and forgot about it. That Christmas they tricked us into taking it home again. War was declared. They thought living in another state made them safe. They learned that was not the case.

So the following months when we got together it went something like this: Check their car, is the Cooler in it? Did you look in our car? Open the trunk and make sure it's not there. Lock the doors and hide your keys. Did you search the house? Check behind the shower curtain. Will it fit under the bed? The Blue Cooler changed possession a couple of times. Other plots to give it away were discovered and foiled.

So in April of 2005, when My Bro bought a new house in Oregon, we put into action our plan. We had the Cooler at this point and spent many hours in our War Room implementing a scheme to not only deliver the damn thing but do it in a way to demoralize the enemy as well. We had directions to their new place but we did not go directly to it. We did some recon and searched for ways to spring our trap. I parked the truck two houses away and my wife jumped out with the Cooler and ran up to their house from the one side that had no windows looking out. She then hid the Cooler in a big clump of bushes beside the house and ran back to the truck. I then parked next to the house and we got out and rang the bell. Tony came out, told us to stay where we were and then searched the truck. Even though he didn't see The Blue Cooler, he was still suspicious. He would get nervous when one of us left the room. We of course knew this, so we would go out of our way to go outside or disappear upstairs and watch him scramble to make sure that no treachery was afoot.

To her credit, Carrie wasn't as crazy as Tony. Her problem was that she is nice and trusting and didn't take this as seriously as the rest of us. What that meant for Tony was that he was outnumbered and facing very motivated opponents. We were staying for the weekend and that night we set the plan in motion. Whenever my Bro and I get together we play Mario Party into the wee hours of the night. I will write a post on the Mario Parties later. This also includes some adult beverages. Well, many beverages. So when we finally retired for the night, Tony and I were feeling no pain. About four in the morning the linchpin of the whole operation woke up. My ex was an early riser. Very early. Butt crack of dawn early. She put on a robe, drank some coffee and went outside. She grabbed the Cooler and took it to the garage. Anyone who has ever moved knows what the garage looks like three weeks after the move. Their garage wasn't any better. She unstacked a bunch of stuff, placed the Cooler down and stacked all of the stuff on top of it. As part of the plan, the things she used to bury the Cooler were sleeping bags and other summer gear. Stuff that they won't touch for awhile. She then went into the kitchen and cleaned up after the Mario Party to cover up the treachery. How could someone who cleaned the kitchen do something like hide The Blue Cooler in your garage?

I don't know how long it took them to find the Cooler, but Tony did not acknowledge that he had it for months. My guess is that it stayed hidden for awhile, just sitting in the garage to whole time. This is also the time that Carie turned to the Darkside and decided that we were going to pay. All that summer and fall, they tried to get us back but we stopped them every time. We even managed to find the Cooler and smuggle it back in their truck before they left our house. They found it while driving home. Tony must have been so proud of himself thinking that they got us, only to find it in their truck 20 minutes later. That phone call made us laugh for days. They were final able to get us in November, about a year after the whole thing started. We found it outside of the house in some bushes. Ironic I suppose.

But that wasn't the end of it by far.

The Blue Cooler Wars-War Is Declared!

2011-03-09T19:40:00.000-08:00

We left off with Tony taking the cooler home with a turkey and instructions to keep the cooler. Fast forward to that Christmas at Mom's house. We did the usual stuff; food, presents and general merry making.

Sometime during the evening, my Bro causally told me that he has the blue cooler to give back to us. I then reminded him that he was to keep it, that we did not want it back. For most people, it should have ended there.

Not for Tony.

This is the important part of this saga and I want to point this out. The blue cooler was freely given and received. A contract was made. We gave it them (don't think you are getting off the hook here Carrie) and they took, understanding the terms of the deal.

So you can appreciate our surprise, when that night, we unloaded the truck and found the blue cooler. I believe that was the time it became “The Blue Cooler.” Again, let me point out that we were the victims. We were the ones hoodwinked (I'm so glad I got to use that word...love it). How did this happen? Why did it happen?

I called my Bro for an explanation. All he could tell me was "Your name was on the damn thing with permanent marker. It is yours." Yes, he did sound very self satisfied. Even proud of what they had done. Here is the most important part is that they were in Portland. They believed they were safe from my justice. Safe from my righteous anger.

But they were wrong. So very wrong.

The Blue Cooler Wars-Opening Salvo

2011-03-05T17:01:00.000-08:00

Members of my family who read this blog have asked me if the Blue Cooler will make an appearance. The answer has always been yes, but I wanted to tell the stories right. Those of you that know the saga will have to be patient as I write about the events and people that have made this the epic struggle what it is today.

It started small, like most things do, in 2004 around October. My brother and his wife-to-be Carrie came up to visit us from Oregon. I don't remember why and it really is not important. I am sure, however, that I handed my Bro his ass in Mario Party that trip.

Somehow the conversation turned to Thanksgiving, and to the fact that Tony had not grabbed a turkey yet. Well my wife at the time, being the efficient shopper that she was, had purchased a couple of birds at a good sale price and stashed them in the freezer and asked if he wanted one of them. He said that he would but he had a long drive home and was worried about the turkey thawing out.

Amazingly, the stars had aligned and the answer was shipped to us the week before. Every year we ordered a bushel of Hatch green chilies from New Mexico. We actually would spit an order with my then mother-in-law in Illinois. She would buy the chilies and send us our half. That year our order was sent in a heavily taped blue cooler. She wrote our address on the lid with a permanent marker and affixed the shipping label on the side.

After receiving said cooler, we were trying to figure out what to with it. We had four other coolers and didn't need or want the blue one. So we offered it to my Bro for him to put his bird in for the trip. We also told him that the cooler was his to do with as he pleased.

So we loaded the turkey in the cooler, packed it with ice and sent him on his way believing that we helped Tony have a great Thanksgiving and solved our blue cooler problem.

If it only stopped there....

To be continued.

Bowling Is Not A Sport

2011-03-01T19:27:00.000-08:00

I have never been the best athlete around. That’s not to say I suck at everything. I think that I play a good goalkeeper and I can hold my own in basketball as long as you don’t mind that I can’t dribble, shoot, jump or that I’m only 5’9”. I do play some mean defense though.

This fact makes it weird to know that Jordan seems to think that I’m the great athlete ever. My brother Tony tries to disabuse Jordan of this belief whenever we all get together as much as he can.

Jordan and I watch football, baseball and some basketball when we have the time. He wants to know everything and asks millions of questions, all which I know the answer to naturally. Even the crazy eight year old questions. “Why do they get four downs to get a first down? How come it’s called a touchdown? Did he just make a homerun?”

So in my house, I’m the greatest and smartest athletic person in the world. Even sports video games are dominated by me. All of this makes the next part really, really hard to admit.

I lost to a five year old at bowling. Sure he had the bumpers up and I was dealing with the plague (one of those is a lie) but it still hurts. Holy crap it hurts. I want you all to know that Ben, the five year old, is an animal. In fact, he beat everybody except for Keith, his dad.

Of course the kids, Ben’s brother Conner and Jordan, were having way too much fun to notice anything and my sports reign is still alive in Jordan’s mind. The day he figures out the truth is going to suck. Might even feel as bad as losing to a five year old at, well anything.

Oh, in order to able to use the photo of Ben, his Mom Rachel made me write this:

I lost to Rachel too. She beat me by like a bazillion pins. It was terrible. She is the greatest bowler I have ever been around. I was blessed to be in her presents. Is that enough Rach?

I Shall Call Him...

2010-11-30T19:13:00.000-08:00

I am succeeding at brain-washing Jordan and turning him into a Mini Me! The first thing he did after we got home from daycare was to change into his jammies and do some quality reading in the bathroom. Well spent time in there if not quite reading yet.

He got his homework done, just math today which he is very good at. Hey, just like me. Someday I will go into greater detail on how in the same semester, I got a B in Spanish (which I can’t read or speak) and failed English (which I use everyday.)

After homework, Jordan goes to his room and brings down a couple of stuffed toys, Froggy and Winnie the Pooh. (As I type this, Jordan has Froggy’s pants down and his shirt unbuttoned, laying face down on a makeshift table. He is checking for a concussion. I don’t think he has totally figured out what a concussion it yet.)

Anyway, he brought down the two guys and had Froggy blocking for Pooh, who was the Quarterback. He put on his Seahawk helmet and ran through the frog and sacked Pooh. He has literally tackled the stuffing out of him and has to have had Wendy perform some stuffed animal surgery. A couple of times.

A little later on, he was doing some slow motion instant replay to see if he scored a touchdown and then to check if he really recovered a fumble. Really super slow motion. I thought he had only two speeds; sleep and a million miles an hour.

He plays imaginary football games and his imaginary team is the Skillet Lickers, my fantasy football team’s name. “It’s the Skillet Lickers verses the Mario, Luigi and Sonic team.”

Next, I will need to get a book in his bathroom for him to actually read.

Sorry Jessica Biel

2010-10-19T19:44:00.000-07:00

Well I was going to write a post about the celebrity exempt list. You know the 5 celebrities you can have a fling with and not get in trouble. So I asked Wendy to make her list to go with mine and she named guys that visit the dental office she works at.

So that ended that. And that ends this post.

I'm In An Abusive Relationship With George Lucas

2010-10-02T15:52:00.000-07:00

The Star Wars movies in 3D, sounds like a great idea. That is until I started to think about it. Each movie is going to be released one at a time and presumably costing 10 bucks a person. How many times are you going to smack the crap out of me until I learn that you don’t care about me George Lucas?

Let’s take a look back shall we; I bought the first trilogy on VHS. Then the Special Editions came out and I so was amped to see them in the theater I even ignored the fact that Greedo shot first in the new version. I then bought them on VHS as well.

Next, the prequels were announced! Holy bleep, George is making the prequels! We get to see Anakin become Darth Vader. Instead we got Little Ani. I’m not going into how bad the prequels were instead here is Patton Oswalt doing it for me. The language is very salty so listen at your own risk.

After that, the all of the movies came out on DVD and I wanted the first three movies on disc. But of course I needed the whole set so I bought three more movies that I don’t really care about.

Lucas is going to release the movies on Blu-ray next year in two different box sets for each trilogy. Amazon does not have a price listed yet but I’m sure they will dent my bank account.

In 2012, The Phantom Menace will be released to theatres in 3D. Then Attack of the Clones and so on and so on. How much is enough?

Will I go see them? Yes I will. Will I hate myself for going? Yes again. So it seems not matter what George does, I will keep going back to him and he will keep abusing me. He doesn’t care about us the fans. He only cares about what he can do with the technology.

Have you seen Casablanca turned in 3D? The Godfather movies have not been updated or Special Editioned.

Can you please leave well enough alone? Please for the love of Jabba, just leave them alone. I will go to my grave thinking then Han shot first.

What I Learned At The 3 Day

2010-09-27T14:19:00.000-07:00

Wendy and I participated in the Susan K Komen Walk for the Cure last weekend. We shared an amazing experience with 2600 other walkers and 375 crew members. And I learned a bunch of things that will share with you, the lucky readers, right now.

What is really creepy any other day, is just perfectly normal during The 3 Day weekend

If my buddy Dirk (of course I changed his name to protect him, you’re welcome Paul) were to sit along side the road and cheer and high five thousands of women with a sign that said “Hugs $1.00” on a white van with tinted windows that has women’s underwear hanging on it, Dirk would be in jail. But at The 3 Day, he’s an inspiration. In The 3 Day’s defense, Dirk should probably be in jail anyway.

We will take and eat anything along the road

There are hundreds, maybe thousands, of people standing on the road cheering on the walkers. They are awesome! They take time from their weekend to cheer on complete strangers. They hand out stickers. They make signs. They make the long miles just a little shorter.

And they have food. All kinds of food. There are cookies and candy and chips and crackers. The kids hand out water and Gatorade. Red Licorice seemed to be the most common.

Even though your Mom hammered into your brain don’t take candy from strangers, if they are cheering and wearing pink, you take the chocolate chip cookie and you enjoy it.

One exception is the dude handing out brownies in a shoe box at camp. He was a bit creepy too and might be an exception to the thing above as well.

The Fire Fighters are very popular

Big surprise considering that of the nearly 3000 people at the Seattle walk, 90 percent were women. These guys walked all 60 miles in full gear with an air tank on their backs.

The cops working the street crossings were also talked about quite a bit. I guess it’s a uniform thing.

I love Wendy wearing pigtails

And she should do it more often. I’m just saying.

I got stung by a bee

I didn’t learn anything here, I just wanted to tell y’all that.

Your feet aren’t the only thing that will get a workout

Your legs, feet and toes will be hurt. But they are not the only things that will be tested. Your bladder will also scream at you. You have to hydrate. You have to drink a lot. You spend all day walking and drinking. The pit stops have tons of port-a-potties and huge lines to them.

On a side note; watching woman deal with the port-a-potties is really fun from a construction guy’s perspective. On Day One it was all “gross” and “I’m not sitting on that." Day three, they were jumping on them like pros. This is one of the few times that being a guy at this event works in my favor. No seat sitting. Hehehe.

Don’t sign up for Karaoke unless you can bring it

The ladies that do it are incredibly good. I dabble in singing while playing Rock Band 2 on the Xbox 360 and felt that I might try it out. Wendy suggested that I listen for the first year and then make the decision and I’m so glad I did. Although, I think that if I brought a little more rock to the night it can make up for my lack of skills.

If you don’t like the Black Eyed Peas…

…you just might punch the DJ. The Peas are marketing geniuses with their music. Every event from the Super Bowl down to my birthday party plays The Black Eyed Peas anthem music. With Let’s Get it Started and I Gotta Feeling, The 3 Day has it covered.

As time goes by, chivalry starts to go out the window

When we started walking, I made sure that I was always between Wendy and the street. When we crossed or made a turn, I would walk around Wendy to be street side.

By the end of the day, that stopped happening. It just took too much energy and more steps than I had in me. Sorry Baby.

Blisters are no joke

Anyone who walked The 3 Day knows this. Blisters ended my second day 12 miles short. The two end toes on my right foot ended up becoming one big blister each. Not just the bottom of the toe but the side and end. I have spent 30 years of my life working on the calluses with soccer and work boots. To have a blister form under them was very weird for me.

As much as blisters mess with walkers, the medical staff is amazing at dealing with them. After I had mine lanced and taped, they did not bother me at all on the last day.

Body Glide is your friend

Bring two or three with you. I used so much by the end of the 3 days, I was a giant stick of Body Glide. Chafing is a big a problem especially in those hard to reach areas. One of the things I haven’t learn yet is how to apply the stuff to those hard to reach areas in the cozy confines of a port-a-potty.

If you have a soul, you will be moved by opening and closing

I learned this last year, my first 3 Day event. The emotion with this group of people is unbelievable. Everybody has a story; it could be a wife or a sister, maybe a mother or daughter. Maybe someone is walking for her best friend or it is woman who had just been diagnosed. There are 3000 stories and all of them are moving.

I get choked up every time I hold that shoe in the air as the survivors walk in to the stadium. Some of them have bald heads, others are 20 year survivors but all of them bring inspiration to us. The Survivors are the Rock Stars.

One last thing that I learned:

Every 68 seconds somewhere in the world, a woman dies of Breast Cancer

That means while you have been reading this, another woman has lost her battle with this disease. So when people ask me why I want to walk 60 miles in 3 days, this is why. This is why we walk, this is why we crew.

This is why we will continue to walk until we find cure.

If You Don't Die, Get Your Ass Down To The Couch

2010-09-21T19:56:00.000-07:00

Last Saturday around 3:46 in the AM we lost power. I remember the time vividly because I almost died.

I woke up still very groggy to notice that the window fan was off. I remember thinking that it was weird that the fan wasn’t going. Wendy ALWAYS has the fan on. Always. OK, whatever.

Why is Wendy’s Zune so loud through her pillow speaker? Is that Michael Buble? Wait, why it is so quiet in here. It’s too quite.

*Gasp* So, I start to think *gasp* that something is *gasp* wrong *gasp.

Holy crap! I’m choking! I rip off my CPAP mask and take a big breath. For those of you that don’t know, a CPAP is a machine that pushes air through a six foot tube into a mask over my nose into my throat to help my sleep apnea.

Wendy looks over and said, “I was wondering how long it would take.”

“How long it would take for what?! For me to choke to death?”

“No," she said exasperated. "How long it would take for you to notice you couldn’t get any air."

It’s about this time that my sleepy brain puts it all together; “Baby, did we lose power?”

“Figured it out did you?” So that mystery was solved. Without power my CPAP doesn’t work very well. Without my CPAP, I get banished to the couch to snore away so Wendy can sleep.

Omnibus Post Part 2

2010-09-14T21:04:00.000-07:00

Omnibus post again! I know you’re excited so here we go

Things I Never Thought I Would Ever Say

I have said and done a crap ton of dumbass things in my life (I wonder what would happen if I spray this Binaca up my nose) but since Jordan has entered my world I have said the weirdest things. Some of my favorites are listed below. This come from my Twitter feed @J_Beaching (shameless plug).

Jordan wanting to slide down a slide that has been sitting in 90 degree heat all day: “Fine go for it but if you burn your butt, don’t come crying to me!”

Playing soccer: “Use your head or your chest but don't try to stop the ball with your private parts.”

Asking about my Android phone: "Joe, are there such a thing as golden eagles?" I don't know, I'll look it up. Yes, there golden eagles. Want to see a picture? "Yes! Cool! Joe, is there anything Android doesn't know?"

On playing Madden 2009: “You need to throw the ball to different receivers. If you keep throwing it to the same guy I….wait! You just scored again?!"

On anatomy: For the love of God, please don’t pinch your scrotum and pull it in different directions. It hurts me when you do that. Fine, I didn’t really say that one but I was thinking it. Luckily for me, the little man in my head that stops me from saying crazy things was awake at that time.

A list of stuff I Have Said and Done

To Continue a Thought From Above

On my taste in music part 1: “Dude, Creed rocks! They are so hard core!”

On my taste in music part 2: “Watch out for Chumbawamba, they are going to hit it big.”

On skiing: “I bet I can jump off this cliff and make it down to the bottom.”

On me being an accidental racist: At Subway I asked the nice Mexican lady, "Is the white cheese American?"

Random Music Video

I love this video. To bad Flight of the Conchords has been shut down by HBO. Very funny.

Wendy's Dad

Gordon scares the hell out of me. He’s Grizzly Adam but quite. He talks deliberately and with a straight unerring monotone. Whenever I’m in a room with him, I feel like I’m back in junior high meeting him for the first time.

And he’s got a shotgun shell that says “Joe” on it. I have almost convinced myself that it could be a different Joe. Until he told me that yes it’s for me.

He’s a conservative, and I’m a wild-eyed liberal. At least we have a truce about politics. He might even respect me for standing up for myself and telling him my opinion. Or, he’s just bidding his time and has that shell in his pocket.

A little Imagination Can Be A Funny Thing

2010-09-11T15:21:00.000-07:00

Jordan has a rich imagination and Wendy loves to encourage him. I love to play along and see just how far out we can take him. So when he started to pretend that he was going to give us breakfast in bed, Wendy asked for a banana, some chocolate and nuts. She then asked how he was going to melt the chocolate, “I will melt in my hands momma.”

Wendy makes a face. "Sounds a bit gross but OK. Where are the nuts to dip the chocolate covered banana?"

"I'm sorry Momma but I'm out of nuts. Do you want broccoli instead?"

He then came to my side “What can I get you Joe?”

“I would like some pterodactyl wings please.”

“OK.” He leaves our room for minute and returns with a paper bag, hands it to me and says, “Your pterodactyl wings sir.”

He starts to walk away and I yell “Wait a minute! Where’s my barbecue sauce? How do you expect me to eat dactyl wings without barbecue sauce?”

“OK.” Again another minute goes by and he returns with an empty cup. Jordan than pours the nonexistent contents from the cup into my paper bag. “Here’s the sauce Joe.”

He tries to walk away again and I yell “Where’s the slaw? How can I eat dactyl wings without coleslaw?” This is when Wendy chimes in.

“What do you mean you want coleslaw? You hate coleslaw.”

I look at her. “That’s the part you have a problem with? Barbecue pterodactyl wings were OK but me eating coleslaw taxes the limits of your suspension of disbelief?”

The Physics Escape Me

2010-06-01T17:49:00.000-07:00

Jordan and I were rough housing. He keeps trying to give me wedgies and smack my butt. I have one rule with him. "Whatever you TRY to do to me, I WILL do to you."

So he tried to give me a wedgie. He then sat down in an attempt to hide his bottom. I grabbed an arm, both feet and flipped him over onto his belly.

And the couch exploded with 40 pounds of sand! How do little pockets hold so much crap? I must have missed that class.

Omnibus Post

2010-05-31T14:30:00.000-07:00

I have a bunch of stuff to say but nothing worthy of a post by itself. So here it goes; The Beach Blog's first Omnibus post. Enjoy.

I Hate Fantasy Baseball

But more than that, I hate losing in fantasy baseball. And if we dig even further, I hate losing to my Mom at Fantasy Baseball. Finally, if we tromp down this road some more, we will find my major beef with Fantasy baseball: I hate losing to my Mom at Fantasy Baseball four years in a row. I hate it as I hate Hell, all Montagues and thee! Sorry, just channeling my inner Tybalt there.

The worst part about losing to Mom this last year was I had her beat! I was in forth, she in sixth with three weeks to go. Then my pitching went straight in the pooper. She did not have to do anything to beat me except watch as I plunge down the standings.

This year isn't going any better. I came out of the gates quickly stayed in first place for about three weeks and started my steady, yet predicable fall into mediocrity. As I type this I'm in ninth place out of 12 teams. Where is my Mom you ask, and would just ask wouldn't you? Yeah, she's in first now.

My Life After Being A Pirate

It's been over a seven months since the 3-Day and I still get the rock star treatment for being a Seattle Breast Pirate. I was getting a prescription filled and noticed that the pharmacy lady had a 3-Day ring on. I asked if she was part of the 3-Day and got an enthusiastic reply. She then asked if I walked. I proceed to tell her that I worked crew and did Food Service.

"So you worked with The Pirates huh?" She asked me.

"I was a Pirate," I replied. Her eyes lite up and she favored me with a huge smile.

"Oh my God, you are one of the Pirates. You guys are so cool. And the wedding was awesome. Are you going to be there next year?"

"Absolutely. I can't imagine not being there again." She then gave me my drugs and sent me on my way.

Book Report

Talking politics is the third rail of any friendship. I can totally make fun of a buddy's weird third nipple and he won't get to mad. Tell him his is voting for the party and fists can start to fly. That being said, the book Game Change by John Heilemann and Mark Halperin was fantastic. They stay away from opinions and just write about the 2008 election. What happens behind closed doors when the politicians aren't kissing hands and shaking babies. If you are fascinated by the politics, this is a must read for you.

Moose-Sitting

We are watching my Bro's bulldog Moose. Moose is the Monk of all bulldogs.

He is weird about what he goes near. He makes the oddest noises. After 10 minutes of playing, he's done. His tongue is too big for his mouth, or his mouth is too small for the tongue. Either way, the damn thing hangs out all the time. Even when sleeping. He is very lovable though. I have several friends that would break into our place and Moose-nap him in a heartbeat.

I Got Caught Being Bad

I was driving while talking on my cell. I know this is wrong and I broke the law. I know it. But I don't think that I deserve a Dikembe Mutombo finger wagging from a octogenarian who can barely see over the wheel.

Seriously, I didn't deserve that at all.

I Learned Something New Yesterday

2009-09-28T19:41:00.000-07:00

A new way to cook breakfast. We are at David and Wendy's place for the wedding reception. Congrats and all to them. Sunday morning David cooks bacon, some ham and cut up some red potatoes. Chops up onions, green peppers and tomatoes.

He then puts that stuff out like a self service omelet bar, which it kind of is. A really weird omelet bar.

What you did was take a ziploc freezer bag and fill it with the ingredients that you wanted and cracked some eggs into it. I added pepper and some garlic.

We then walked our sealed bags outside to the barbecue area and dropped them into a vat filled with boiling water. About five minutes later, bam! a bag o' omelet. Crazy good.

Another New Thing Happened to Me

2009-09-22T20:11:00.000-07:00

I got peed on. Yeah, that happened. Here's the low down; I was getting Jordan's shower ready, you know, checking the temperature and all that. Then I start to feel water splash on my leg. The back of my leg. The back of my leg not facing the bathtub.

I turned around and to see Jordan, trou dropped to his knees, peeing in the toilet. And let me tell you, this kid has a bladder. Ogre from Revenge Of The Nerds kind of bladder. He has so much power behind the pee that even though he is destroying his target, I'm still within the splash zone.

And I don't know how to react, I mean he really didn't do anything wrong other than take a leak with another guy two feet away, but he's a kid and that's OK. Or at least that's what I'm told. So I quietly walked away and started my own shower.

My Geekiness is Getting in the Way of My Nerdiness

2009-09-22T09:07:00.000-07:00

First off, I need to credit Patton Oswalt for that line. He is one of my favorite comics and I follow his nerd philosophy.

Let me set the scene for you; October 2 is Jordan’s Birthday and we (I mean Wendy but because she asked for my opinion I will take some credit too) are planning the party. We decide that Jordan gets to invite three friends for a Mario/slumber party. I haven’t asked Wendy yet, but I’m going to say that the Mario Party part of the evening will be sans Jagermeister. Not much of a Mario Party without hard liquor if you ask me. Alas, I was not asked.

Next, we ask Jordan who he would like to invite to his slumber party. The first name out of mouth is Karen, the blond hygienist that works with Wendy. After we told him that he has to pick three friends from school or daycare, he said Blake. We figured on Blake already and are now feeling good that the process is moving forward.

The second name? Megan Fox. OK, the party is starting to look up. I’m on board with the whole thing now and rethinking the Jagermeister.

Sadly, Wendy crushes both of our dreams and rules out Megan Fox. I was willing to negotiate, we invite Megan and Wendy can invite Mathew Fox. Fair’s fair right?

So we finally settle on three names and we move on the party supplies. Wendy takes Jordan shopping to find Mario decorations. They can’t find them anywhere. I don’t know if the Geek Gene is hereditary or is an airborne contagion, but I think Jordan is growing one. Plan B’s decorations; Batman. Don’t give me the hooey about seven year olds and Batman, I know this kid will be reading Batman comics in his 30’s.

No big deal, we have a Mario Party and Batman napkins. Who the frick cares? I haven’t delved too deeply into Wendy’s past to see if there have been other Geeks in her life. However, if I had to guess, I would say no. There is a definite burden spending time with a Geek that she seems to be finding out about. Having to go to all of the comic book movies, having to hear how well the comic book movies followed the source material and being told the history of the characters in the movie no matter how small of a part they had.

I’m sure Wendy thought that making the invitations wouldn’t be a big deal. And it wasn’t until she decided to cross-pollinate genres. She found a cool picture of the Mario Party gang to print on the front of the invitations. She wrote out the “what, where and when” stuff. Put a nice pic of Mario on the inside. All very cool and not at all offensive.

Where she crossed the line is putting the Bat Signal on the cover with the Mario Party stuff. Comic book heroes and video game plumbers are not to be mixed.

Ever.

Period.

I told Wendy as much and she had this look on her face like I was beating a bunch of kittens with a bag filled with puppies. She couldn’t understand my consternation. I then explained to her that you can mix comics together. Superman fighting The Hulk is cool. Lex Luthor hanging out with Magneto is a bad guy dream team.

Video game cartoons can’t be created on the same invite with time-tested comic book legends. It’s taboo to the Geek Code and to the Nerd Code for that matter. Where does it end? Will she Photoshop Batman Riverdancing with Princess Peach whilst expounding the virtue of having the Public Option in the new Health Care legislation?

And here is where my nerdiness collides with the geekiness. I’m a comic geek and a video game nerd. All that stuff swirls inside of me and works just fine for the most part. Why can’t they be put together on birthday party invitation for a soon-to-be seven year old? What's the harm? I don’t know! But you can’t!

Star Wars Geeks don’t hang with Star Trek nerds. You just don’t cross the streams.

Wendy needs to understand this. Soon. She is making me crazy. I think she is doing on purpose too.

Just An Excuse To Say Shamwow

2009-09-21T17:17:00.000-07:00

So I went to 7-11 to get a quick bite to eat. I know that there is plenty of things wrong with this statement, but can we get by that and focus on the story please?

So I make my way to the refrigerator area to grab a sandwich, trying to eat a little healthy. Yes, I know you don’t go to 7-11 and think healthy but give me a break; I was working on a deadline. Again, not the point of the story, focus people!

When I arrive to the chilled food products I found my access blocked by some dude lying on the floor. Well I am at the 7-11 and have seen weirder things than that. Of course that was usually after three in the morning when the freaks come out. This was around noon and not a typical part of the day for guys spending any amount of time on the floor of a convenience store.

After further investigation I found that this guy was actually working. He was spraying insecticide under the refrigerator. There was food sitting on the shelves, being chilled by the motor under the machine that was being sprayed with poison.

I have seen better marketing schemes that this. “Buy 10 chicken nuggets and receive a kick to your nuggets for free." Or “We got great rebates for the new Hummer. We will even throw in a hose going from the tailpipe into the passage area." Then there is my favorite, “Not only will I give you a second Shamwow, I will send a hooker over to your house to kick your ass!”

Needless to say, I didn’t get the healthy sandwich. I just picked up my usual; Cool Ranch Doritos, Ho Hos and Diet Mountain Dew. Hey, it was Diet Dew damn it!

Future Gamers of America

2009-09-20T19:59:00.000-07:00

I feel a little like the Tobacco companies right now. You know, hook the next generation and all. Well I got my insidious gamer habits into Jordan. His Mom and Dad are not gamers, I know weird right? Anyway, it's up to me to fry his not yet fully developed brain. I'm always up for a challenge.

He got a Wii for Christmas last year, but now has got a huge man (boy?) crush on my xbox 360. Can't blame the little guy, it is very cool. He loves all the peripherals that I have for the machine.

He even has is own gamer tag.

To be fair, Wendy has gotten into the gaming a bit as well. But she is too busy doing the things she loves more (cooking, cleaning and the like). I know I'm going to pay for that last comment, but it was just too funny not to use. Sorry babe.

Damn, I'm good. I have been with these two for a few months now and they are hooked. Microsoft owes me a huge "thank you".

Cats, Dogs and Boobs...Oh My

2009-09-15T21:32:00.000-07:00

A pic from the 3-Day. There is at least one thing the Huskies and Cougs can agree on.

The Wendy and David Interview

2009-09-14T22:13:00.001-07:00

Is now on line. Check it out.

In-Studio Interviews Seattle News, Local News, Breaking News, Weather KING5.com

Why I Don't Get To Use The Video-Making Machine

2009-09-14T19:46:00.000-07:00

This is from my Facebook page but I thought it worthy to post here as well. So Wendy is going through all of the media we have from the 3-Day, and found this short clip I taped. She watched it and then declared that I no longer get to use the camera.

Want to know why? Well here is the clip:

Awesome right? I think she is persecuting me unnecessarily. Then again, I don't think she has watched everything I filmed yet.

Why Do Boys Think Farts Are Funny?

2009-09-13T12:16:00.000-07:00

Wendy's six year old, like all other boys, think farts are the funniest thing. Jordan loves Pull My Finger. Hell, I love Pull My Finger.

OK, so boys are not the only ones who like farts. Big boys do too. But not all fart humor is created equal. A couple of weekends ago, Jordan learned about the Dutch Oven.

He left the covers and crawled over to his mother eyes watering and crossed. Coughing and retching. "Mommy, I didn't like that."

I was laughing so hard until I got a whiff from what came out of the blanket. I started to cough and retch. Wendy started to cough and retch. It was one of the most awful things to ever come out of my butt.

I felt the need to apologize to the boy. Not in the "gee I'm sorry that happened. I hope your mom doesn't poison my Mountain Dew." I really felt bad. Super bad. No kid should have dealt with that without provocation. That should have been saved for a time he deserved it.

Like when he tries to give a Dutch Oven to me.

Fame Through Ambiguty

2009-09-11T08:39:00.000-07:00

I am the 5th Beatle. Or, for the younger crowd, I'm the guy in Wham that is not George Michael. For you even younger crowd, get off the webernet and get into bed.

So it's opening day at the 3-Day and people are asking me to take pictures with them. Not because I'm a good-looking dude and they want to post them on Facebook. Not because I'm one of 200 or so guys there and they wanted a picture of this rare creature.

The reason for all of the attention is because I'm hanging with The Seattle Breast Pirates. The Wendys and David have been doing this for 3 years now and are famous for it. The walkers and Crew come up to them and hug them and say things like, "I love you guys! The Pirates rule!"

They then say hi to me and wonder who I am. I get the hug and THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO I AM!

I am a Pirate and that is all that matters. I am Andrew Ridgeley.

Intro/The 3 Day Pregame Show

2009-09-08T21:40:00.000-07:00

So welcome to the blog. What I hope to accomplish with this is to talk about the dumb, silly and hopefully funny things that happen to me and the people in my life. That being said, I wish to start out with something incredible meaningful and important, The Breast Cancer 3 Day event here in Seattle.

I got involved with the 3 Day by getting back someone important in my life. Wendy and I found each other again after nearly 15 years apart. Our relationship goes back an additional 9 years or so to middle school. How we found each other is another story that I will get into with a later post.

Wendy’s best friend Wendy (no this is not a typo, just confusing) was diagnosed with breast cancer nearly five years ago. They walked the 3 Day four years ago and then joined the Food Service crew for the last two years.

I have not had anybody in my life go through anything like this. My Mother-in-law died of Lung Cancer in 2005 but was fighting her battle in Illinois. My wife at the time and I didn’t have the money for both us to fly and see her so she flew alone to be with her. I watch helplessly as Betty lost her fight 2000 miles away. I say this only because as I go into this weekend’s Walk, I have no idea what to expect.

I have since learned that my Mom’s aunt (I not sure what this makes her to me officially, she has always been Aunt Ida) and a cousin are both survivors. I have two friends now that are also survivors. These are good reasons for me to be a part of the 3 Day. The fact that it is a huge part of Wendy’s life and she is now a part of my life is another reason.

But there is another reason for me to do this. I have been looking for something to add to my life for some time now. Something that is bigger than me, something that I can do that will make not only a difference in my life but affect other people as well. Some find this in religion. Others start a family. Still others throw themselves into their jobs. Call it ego or the like; I just think that I am meant to be doing more. I hope that the 3 Day is that.

I have written that I don’t know what to expect and this is true. The Wendys and David, he is the other member of the team, can prep me all they want, but until I get there I can never truly know. That is why I wanted to write this before Thursday, to get my unbiased thoughts down without the benefit of knowing anything prior.

So, what will I be doing at the 3 Day? Well the girls and David are on the Food Service Crew. But more than that, they are The Seattle Breast Pirates. I got my first glimpse of that means at the Expo last June. The team volunteered to help out and everybody knew them. They were The Pirates. I was a Pirate. We were in full pirate regalia. My duds are not as elaborate, as the others have been adding to their outfits for a couple of years now.

I have a nasty goatee that I have been carefully cultivating for about three months now to be part of the pirate look. I feed it Rogan at least once a week. I hate the damn thing. I get constant crap at work about it.

I have a wardrobe manager that is sewing even as I write this. So far, my work for the 3 Day is causing other people more work.

So on Thursday, we will have our Crew meeting and I will learn what I will be doing for the 3 days. There have been talks that I will get the vegetarian line. Heavy lifting seems to be in my future too. I am wondering if there is a form of rookie hazing. I’m just happy to be part of the team.

I will however, get to be a part a very special event on Saturday. Wendy (the other one) and David will be getting married on the stage. From the planning I have seen to will go a little like this:

Feed the walkers. Go to the stage. Say vows. Kiss. Feed the walkers. Well I was never one for long ceremonies so it is cool.

I’m not sure if I’m bringing the laptop the event, weight restrictions and all. I want to get my thoughts and feeling down for this blog, so I might just have to go the caveman route and write on my tent walls and then transcribe then to the blog. We will see, so stay tuned.