So I Wrote a Fake Facebook Conversation

If the Star Wars charactors were on Facebook, more importantly, if Lando was on Facebook what would a post look like? Maybe like this one?Check it out; Lando verses the Star Wars universe.

The Grocery Store...It's A Trap!

So I went to the grocery store today. Those of you new to my posts will probably wonder what the big deal is. Thousands of people go to grocery stores all the time without anything happening. The rest of you that follow along my misadventures know differently. So here we go, a post about Joey going to the grocery store.

As I was walking through the produce section, yeah I said it; produce section, I was trying to remember if I had garlic. I was walking around thinking “Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic?” While I'm thinking about that, a helpful employee comes up and asks if he could help me. I respond “Do you know if I have garlic?” He gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and walks away.

Next, I had to find some canned tomatoes and tomato paste. So I'm walking up and down the canned fruit vegetable and section and I'm trying to figure out if tomatoes are fruits or vegetables. Turns out, that the point is moot since the canned tomatoes are kept in with the pasta sauces. This led me to be painfully aware that I am way too domesticated and would never survive again by myself in the wild.

I take all my stuff and go to checkout. The nice young lady grabs the dozen roses that I am going to give Wendy and a thorn gets her in the palm of her hand. This leads me to say “Every rose has it's thorn huh?” She gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and keeps on ringing me up. I didn’t care because I got to quote Poison so my day was complete. Here is where I want to point out that Wendy better appreciate the roses since they literally has cause people to have blood on their hands.

After I bought my stuff, the nice young lady handed me my receipt and said “Thank you mister Lantz.” We need to get a new club card together.

I Give Some Stepfatherly Advice (Some of which might actually be good)

When Jordan and I got in the pool, I noticed that he had a bunch of scratches, scraps and scabs on his arms, legs, chest and back. I started to ask “How did you get that scratch? Where did that scrap come from?”

“I fell off my scooter. I got this from climbing a tree. I’m sorry Joe.” I when laughed and said “Don’t be. A nine year old boy needs to have those. I would be worried if you didn’t. Never apologize for being hurt or wounded. Never be embarrassed by your scars.”

He looked at me all confused and asked why. “Because all of those hurts make you who you are today and will continue to shape you into the man you will be. Every scar tells a story and all of those stories tell how you became you.” I pulled my leg out of the water and showed his a two inch scar on my shin. “I got this at my Dad’s pool when I was jumping up and down on the diving board. After about 10 bounces, I then decided to dive in. While in the air, I changed my mind, tried to land back on the board and ended up falling head first into the pool and scrapping my shin along the edge of the diving board. Ask my brother about sometime. He will laugh is butt off telling the story.”

I pointed to a scar above my eye, “I got this running head first in a corner of a wall. This one was from slicing boxes open with a razor knife and missing.” Jordan started to laugh. “Did you cry?” I looked him in the eyes and smirked “Some of them yeah, I cried. Others, no. The point is this: All of them hurt but I got better and when I tell all the time that chicks dig scars, it’s not because they think we were brave and heroic when we got them. Chicks, or more to the point, your mom loves all my scars because they are part of me. She accepts the good and the bad and the scarred since they helped me become the man she is going to marry tomorrow. And I love all of her scars because they are part of her and helped her become the woman she is.

"Our lives are in part defined by a lifetime of stories. We learn from our mistakes and grow a little with each cut or scratch or scrap. If you don’t learn fast enough, well maybe the next cut will help you. As your stepfather, I might get mad at you for trying dumb things but remember this: There are not that many dumb things you can do that I haven’t done already. I will try to help you navigate through some the more stupid things you will want to try but I also know that you need to make your own mistakes too. But I want you to wear those scars proudly and never forget how you got them since there will be a special someone in your life that will want to hear how you got scars.”

“Joe, are you done talking yet? I want you to throw me across the pool."