The Conversation I Am Dreading With My Ten Year Old

I can see myself sitting on the couch, banging away on the keyboard writing weird Joey stuff, with my headphones on listening to music. Jordan would see me and being the naturally curious boy that he is, he would tap on my shoulder. “What are you listening to?” Now, those of you that know me really well will say that I have terrible music tastes.  I would be inclined to agree but despite that, I have no problems talking about it.

“I am listening to Winger.”

“Winger? That’s a weird name.”

“Yeah, that’s true but there is a reason for it.” A quick Google Image search later and I show Jordan a bunch of pictures. “This is Kip Winger. He is the singer and the band is named after him.”

 “Oh…why is his shirt off in all the pictures?”

Ah, the 80’s. How do you explain the 80’s to a kid? You don’t, you punt instead. “That’s a good question; you are full of good questions.” I would then put my headphones back on and get back to writing. However, knowing Jordan this would not be the end of it.

“Can I listen too?” While it’s all well and good that I listen to this stuff but how, as a guy trying to be a responsible father, can I subject him to it?

“No, no you can’t”

“Well, why not?”

“Because Winger is small part of a larger grab bag of things from the 80’s that should just die with my generation.  I know you don’t understand right now but you will later when your kids ask you about Ke$ha.”

So I Wrote a Fake Facebook Conversation

If the Star Wars charactors were on Facebook, more importantly, if Lando was on Facebook what would a post look like? Maybe like this one?Check it out; Lando verses the Star Wars universe.

The Grocery Store...It's A Trap!

So I went to the grocery store today. Those of you new to my posts will probably wonder what the big deal is. Thousands of people go to grocery stores all the time without anything happening. The rest of you that follow along my misadventures know differently. So here we go, a post about Joey going to the grocery store.

As I was walking through the produce section, yeah I said it; produce section, I was trying to remember if I had garlic. I was walking around thinking “Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic?” While I'm thinking about that, a helpful employee comes up and asks if he could help me. I respond “Do you know if I have garlic?” He gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and walks away.

Next, I had to find some canned tomatoes and tomato paste. So I'm walking up and down the canned fruit vegetable and section and I'm trying to figure out if tomatoes are fruits or vegetables. Turns out, that the point is moot since the canned tomatoes are kept in with the pasta sauces. This led me to be painfully aware that I am way too domesticated and would never survive again by myself in the wild.

I take all my stuff and go to checkout. The nice young lady grabs the dozen roses that I am going to give Wendy and a thorn gets her in the palm of her hand. This leads me to say “Every rose has it's thorn huh?” She gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and keeps on ringing me up. I didn’t care because I got to quote Poison so my day was complete. Here is where I want to point out that Wendy better appreciate the roses since they literally has cause people to have blood on their hands.

After I bought my stuff, the nice young lady handed me my receipt and said “Thank you mister Lantz.” We need to get a new club card together.

I Give Some Stepfatherly Advice (Some of which might actually be good)

When Jordan and I got in the pool, I noticed that he had a bunch of scratches, scraps and scabs on his arms, legs, chest and back. I started to ask “How did you get that scratch? Where did that scrap come from?”

“I fell off my scooter. I got this from climbing a tree. I’m sorry Joe.” I when laughed and said “Don’t be. A nine year old boy needs to have those. I would be worried if you didn’t. Never apologize for being hurt or wounded. Never be embarrassed by your scars.”

He looked at me all confused and asked why. “Because all of those hurts make you who you are today and will continue to shape you into the man you will be. Every scar tells a story and all of those stories tell how you became you.” I pulled my leg out of the water and showed his a two inch scar on my shin. “I got this at my Dad’s pool when I was jumping up and down on the diving board. After about 10 bounces, I then decided to dive in. While in the air, I changed my mind, tried to land back on the board and ended up falling head first into the pool and scrapping my shin along the edge of the diving board. Ask my brother about sometime. He will laugh is butt off telling the story.”

I pointed to a scar above my eye, “I got this running head first in a corner of a wall. This one was from slicing boxes open with a razor knife and missing.” Jordan started to laugh. “Did you cry?” I looked him in the eyes and smirked “Some of them yeah, I cried. Others, no. The point is this: All of them hurt but I got better and when I tell all the time that chicks dig scars, it’s not because they think we were brave and heroic when we got them. Chicks, or more to the point, your mom loves all my scars because they are part of me. She accepts the good and the bad and the scarred since they helped me become the man she is going to marry tomorrow. And I love all of her scars because they are part of her and helped her become the woman she is.

"Our lives are in part defined by a lifetime of stories. We learn from our mistakes and grow a little with each cut or scratch or scrap. If you don’t learn fast enough, well maybe the next cut will help you. As your stepfather, I might get mad at you for trying dumb things but remember this: There are not that many dumb things you can do that I haven’t done already. I will try to help you navigate through some the more stupid things you will want to try but I also know that you need to make your own mistakes too. But I want you to wear those scars proudly and never forget how you got them since there will be a special someone in your life that will want to hear how you got scars.”

“Joe, are you done talking yet? I want you to throw me across the pool."

I Got 99 Problems And Being A Nerd Is One

Jordan just got a Justice League comic in a cereal box and got really excited about it. This made me feel that the nerd culture was making a step forward, that the next generation was getting into it. To see just how far he has come, I asked him to name all the members.

I pointed to Superman and he knew him. Same with Batman and The Green Lantern. I then pointed to Aquaman and of course Jordan didn’t know who he was. Seriously, Aquaman is famous for sucking. Why would Jordan know or care about that dude.

Next, I pointed The Flash and again Jordan didn’t recognize him. I was starting to feel a little bit like a failure now. Just because Hollywood has not made a movie about The Flash doesn’t mean that a nine year old shouldn’t know who he is.

Finally, I pointed to Wonder Woman and asked if he knew who she was. He got a big smile, started to walk away said “Super Woman” and then did a Jay Z “brushing the dirt off my shoulder” move like he nailed it.


While I loved the bravado (I’m sure I don’t know where he learned the move) it made me start to question myself as a nerd parent. He should know who Wonder Woman is after all.

So I decided to make this a teaching moment and told him who it was and got the response that shook me to the core, “whatever.” As I a stood there in stunned silence, Wendy was looking at me with concern, like I was about to cry.

This just showed me while Jordan has come a long way, there is still much I have to show him.

What I Learned At The 3 Day 2011

Welcome to the annual 3 Day recap-Joey style! I have done this post for two years now, while last year’s post was from a walker’s perspective (you can read it here) this year will be a glimpse from a crew member. A blurry, sleepy eyed glimpse but hopefully informative. Enough of the introduction, let’s get to the good stuff!

It’s a good idea to have a least one person that can sew on your team.

One of the things that make The 3 Day so much fun is that you get to wear costumes, but usually those costumes are original and homemade. That means someone putting needle and thread to cloth. Those of us on the Food Service Crew are incredibly spoiled in this department. We have a bunch of great ladies putting together things like chef hats and aprons. But the coup de gras for me is that have my very own seamstress, and Wendy put together a superhero costume for the ages. For opening, it was my job to man the street by the long-term parking garage and wave the walkers in. It was five in morning and I was on a dark street corner and I was totally waiting for crime to happen so I could go fight it. On the downside, there are not too many phone booths around to do the super hero switch. Oh well, one uses what one can. Which leads to:

Being a Superhero is as much fun as I imagined.
Whether it’s a Pink Masked Marvel costume or an Ironman suit, living the life a hero is awesome! Plus, the ladies of The 3 Day have no problem objectifying a man and copping feel of the guns, which of course didn’t bother me a bit.



Don’t get between a walker and her coffee at 5:00 in the AM.
Not much to add here other than the fact if you are the one to have coffee for her in your hand, you get to be a hero even if you aren’t in a suit.

No matter how many times I do The 3 Day, it never fails to change my life.
Closing still gets me. It always happens when we raise our shoe to the survivors. I have written in the past the survivors are the rock stars of weekend, and as the years go by and I meet more people at the events, the more I respect and admire them. I’ll be worried when it doesn’t get to me anymore.


Karaoke isn't just for the talented anymore.

"Don’t sign up for Karaoke unless you can bring it" is what I wrote last year. That hasn't changed but when the gal singing Bonnie Tyler's Total Eclipse of the Heart (and REALLY bringing it) is asking for a guy to sing the Rory Dodd "turn around bright eyes" part, I stepped up. Yes I had to Goggle the dude's name, even my vast Useless Knowledge Memory Banks didn't know it and you didn't know either. It was the Glee version and I managed to fumble through it (I have a HUGE post in my head about how that show is killing all the songs from my high school experience). Everybody was really cool saying that I did a good job but what do they know? They just walked 20 miles and are on an Gatorade high. Still, the complements are very much appreciated. Here is a video of my "performance" and if anybody know who the gal is, please let me know.



Sprinklers that are used to water big fields, are really good at their job.
And those pink tents are not good at repelling the water. But, even the pink tent offers some protection, those sleeping on cots the medical tent didn't even have that much. Things started around two o'clock Sunday morning and as the word got out, people were dragging their tents off the field. Tables were overturned and placed on the sprinkler heads. As you can imagine, chaos ensued. I'm reasonably certain I was the only person to sleep through the whole thing. It's not very often you get to hear the benefits of sleep apnea.

Stickers seem to be the only currency that matters for three days.

If you have on a super hero suit, people tend to talk to you. If you have on a super hero suit and are handing out stickers, people crowd around like you are a levitating David Blaine Street Magician. Wait, he's a bit creepy now isn't he? How about crowding around like you are Yoda levitating a X-wing fighter? Too nerdy? Too bad, I'm a nerd and this is my blog.

Just because you are a bus driver, that doesn't mean you know how to drive a bus.<

Buses are big and they don't make signs like they used to. Now that I think about it, I'm not sure they ever made signs that can hold up to a bus.

The Remembrance Tent will affect you.

This year was the first time I went into the Remembrance Tent and saw a picture of someone I knew. In 2009, I went in there with no idea what to expect and it hit me hard. I didn't know a single person in any of the pictures. I didn't know any of the names written on the tent. The sense of love and lose was so heavy and brought home to me why people participate at the 3 Day. In the intervening years, as my circle of friends and family has grown, so has my awareness of cancer. There have been members of my family that have beat it that I didn't know about. I have met and come to love people through The 3 Day that are fighting cancer, some for a second or third time. People who have had lost mothers, daughters, sisters or aunts and people who just want to make a difference. I don't want to see any more pictures added to the Remembrance Tent.

High School-20 Years Later

So Wendy and I went to our 20 year high school reunion last weekend and I have a few random thoughts about it.

My batting average of facial or name recognition of people was about three for every ten, a respectable .300 average. Well, it sucked to have to tell the other seven people “yeah, I have no idea.”

Alcohol didn’t help with names but it helped in other ways. There is nothing a Jello shot can’t make better.

The great planners of the shindig had name tags on lanyards for everybody but I don’t think they thought far enough however. So ladies, I want you to know that I was trying to look at the name tag on your chest, not your…well chest. Really.

Some high school cliques will never apparently die, even though they really should.

I *don’t* dance, ever. I don’t care how many models Wendy sends over to try and drag me to the dance floor, it will not happen. And this is for the benefit of everybody else. So instead of complaining, just thank me.

Music from the 80’s is still the best. Ever. Period.

Chick mullets were kinda cool back then. I’m still on the fence about girls having them now. Dude mullets are still super awesome! I will still try to grow one despite the ever constant threat of being shaved in the middle of the night.

Lastly, I want to thank everybody who came up and told me how much they like my stuff. It was appreciated as much as it was a surprise. Thank you. I write this stuff mostly because I like to crack myself up. But I do have what standup comedians refer to as the brain damage that makes them want to have other people like them, so hearing the positive feedback was really cool. Thanks again.