My Geekness all on one gadget

Monday, September 30, 2013

Dad's Eulogy


Welcome everybody and thank you for coming this afternoon. We are here to celebrate the life of Jack Chandler Beach, or Joe to his friends. For those of you who don't know me, I'm also Joe Beach, Joe's eldest son. Unless of course, Dad and I are at the same place, then I'm Joey. Even now at 40, I'm Joey. The reason why I'm up here has everything to do with the fact that I am my father's son. Meaning that like Dad, I can't pass up an opportunity to tell stories. Which is what I'm here to do today. Dad lived a full and amazing life and I am going to try to tell the story of his life by sharing our memories of him.

Dad was born on July 9th 1945 in Glasgow Montana. While taking my brother, Tony, and I on a trip to the old homestead in Glasgow, we both learned that things are very different there. Take hunting for example. Here in Washington, you have to pack for days in the woods. You get up at Oh My God thirty and eat a hasty camping breakfast. You have to hang out in the woods for hours and hours in hopes of seeing game. In Montana, you sleep in and have a huge home-cooked breakfast. You jump in the truck and drive to the back woods. And finally, you roll down the window and choose the one of many bucks you see.

Dad was one of four kids; Older sister Karen, Older brother Mick, and younger sister Mary Jo. Their childhood was pretty typical, they lived on a corner lot so their house was the place to gather and play baseball and football. There were bike races. Mary Jo credits Dad for making her a tomboy. He gave Mary Jo her first baseball mitt and basketball. Mick and Dad used Karen's bike to vulture parts from when theirs broke.

While growing up, Dad was into sports. Given the athletic ability that Tony and I both exhibit, he must have been great. He played football for Rainier Beach High School and I'm sure it wasn't his fault that they never won a game.

After high school, Dad joined the Navy and became a Seabee. The Seabees, short for Construction Battalion, are the guys that build roads, buildings, fortifications and myriad of other things. While serving in Viet Nam on Team 0311 and 0312, he helped build the bases for the Special Forces units. The Seabees would always be a big deal in Dad's life. 40 years after the team went their separate ways, Dad was part of an effort to get the guys back together and have a team reunion. After that, the guys were in contact with each other via email and social media. There were trips to other reunions. He was very proud to be a part of a great team and a great group of men with bonds that unite them even now. Inspired by Dad’s service, his two nephews, Bill and Doug Shaffer also joined the Seabees.


When he finished his military commitment, he completed his apprenticeship and worked for several steel fabricators in the area until he finally found a home at Seattle City Light. His last twenty years were spent in Construction Engineering as a field inspector. This was truly a job he loved. After putting in 29 years into a company that he really enjoyed, Dad retired. After his retirement, the light rail project seems to have hit a snag and slowed down some. A coincidence I’m sure. Since Pops didn’t need it anymore, he gave me his “I’m a Super Import Dude Because I Wear A Yellow Hard Hat” and told me to go forth and cause mischief. Wearing that hat and carrying a clipboard opened any door on a Seattle construction site. It was so awesome. No one cares about a low voltage guy but a City Light Muckity Muck could go anywhere and see anything. I eventually discovered a slightly bad side effect that would manifest after people learned that I was in no way, shape or form a City Light employee. I also learned from my father that the better part of valor sometimes means just walking away. I now keep the hard hat as a memento for my father.

As I stated earlier, Dad had two boys: Joseph Anthony and Anthony John. Junior Joe and TJ. Most of my earliest memories of Dad revolve around sports. Sundays at Dad's place was all about the Seahawks. There was one game in November 1984 where Dave Brown intercepted two passes and returned them both for touchdowns. I think that is the game that cemented my love for the Hawks. Tony and I learned math from Dad while playing darts. He would have us figure the three dart double out before we took our turn while playing 301.

Dad's love of football wasn't just for his boys. George, Mary Jo's husband, has a great story about their trip to the Rose Bowl in the early '80s. The three of them drove down to Pasadena to meet Mary Jo's friend, Stacey, and then stay at Stacey's cousin's place. One of the nights before the game, they were hanging out and not much was happening. Of course this doesn't sit right with my Pops so he asked George "Can I borrow the car tonight?" He takes the car and heads out to bar that he had previously scouted out and played some darts. After he had his night out, Dad came back to the house only to find it locked up tight. If Dad was anything, he was a problem solver. Seeing a trellis that reached an upstairs bedroom, he started to climb up. While Dad could figure out solutions to problems, he sometimes missed on the execution. So of course the owner of the house heard Dad, reached the logical conclusion that someone was trying to rob the place and went outside to see what was going on. By the time he got there, Dad was just entering the window. Say what you want, but Dad always made an impression with people.

Being a Beach, I have heard all the Beach jokes out there. Life's a Beach. Dude, as long as you aren't a Nude Beach! Son of a Beach. My Mom really likes that one by the way. The best one, by far, is my Stepmom's name: Sandie Beach. People just don't believe that it's a real name. Then I tell them about the dog, Pebbles. Yeah, Pebbles Beach. Let that soak in for a second. Almost my whole life there has been a doxen in it. Dad was gruff with the dog but loved her like crazy. You don't lay on air mattress in the pool with the dog lying on top of you while she drinks sips of beer that you pour in your belly button if you don't love that dog.
Dad and Sandie have been together for 35 years. It was a dart tournament that started it all. When Dad walked into the bar, he saw a pretty young blonde. He then said "I'm going to win and I choose the blonde. Sure enough, he won the tournament and to the victor goes the spoils.

Dad’s favorite baseball player was Nolan Ryan. Whenever the Ryan Express came to Seattle, Dad would take us to the game. While he loved watching Ryan pitch and hearing the smack as the ball hit the catcher’s glove, Dad above all, wanted to catch a foul ball. Game after game and nothing but disappointment. Not even one ball was hit close to us. Then, when Dad started to believe he would never get a ball, one was hit to us. It seemed as if the dream was finally going to be realized and it was going to be ours. The ball kept flying over our heads and landed two rows above us. Some guy reached up to catch it only to have it slip between his hands, bounce off his head and landed in Dad’s lap. Sandie saw that the guy was bleeding from a cut above his eye and asked Dad if he was going to give the man the ball, Dad answered “If he wanted it, he should have caught it.” We also witnessed history. We got to see the last pitch Nolan Ryan ever threw in a Major League Baseball game. The last hit Ryan gave up was to Mariner Dann Howitt, a grand slam. Don’t worry if you don’t recognize the name, I Googled Dann Howitt to see what he is doing now but Google didn’t know either.
 
As Tony got older, Dad started to introduce activities which they could do together. The almost annual fishing trip to Sekiu was one of them. Tony would stay the night at Dad and Sandie’s the evening before they left, and get up really early the next morning to beat traffic for the long drive. Dad, always hoping for a nice dialogue on the way up, would mostly be met with silence as Tony would knock off before they hit Tacoma.  After a few years, Dad tried different tricks to keep him awake. But Tony, who didn’t yet drink coffee, and possessing the Beach talent of being able to fall asleep anywhere, thwarted them all. Cranking up Paul Harvey at a high volume is like white noise to a teenager. The drive was long for Dad and a refreshing nap for Tony. While at Sekiu, the victories were many as plenty of fish were pulled out of the straits of Juan De Fuca, even as other things didn’t go as well. There was crashing the trailer into the diner. Accidentally sending an older couple, who were lost in the fog, back out to sea. Getting seasick, or as they called it “chumming the water”. Losing expensive tackle to the bottom of the ocean because let’s face it, the cheap stuff never gets lost. But most importantly, enjoying the gentle sway of the waves, the sound of the seagulls and the nervous anticipation of yelling FISH ON!

Twenty some years ago, Dad bought a 1966 Ford Mustang. He spent those years loving restoring that car. He recruited Bill to help him out since he is a Ford Fixing Ninja and those two tinkered, chromed and made that car beautiful. So beautiful in fact that she won six car show awards. We’ll just gloss by the fact that they were all second place awards. Getting second builds character they say. It’s also been said that second place is the first loser. I believe that we all know where dad fails in this argument. 


Dad also introduced golf to Tony. When dad picked up the golf bug, he naturally tried to hook his sons.  While I didn’t take to it, Tony couldn’t resist. As Dad got more involved, so did Tony. Each time Dad thought his clubs were the problem, Tony got Dad’s old set. Needless to say, Tony upgraded from a starter set to very nice golf clubs in a few short years. They would play courses all over, but the Lake Chelan golf trip was the best. It was Tony’s introduction to the golf vacation, a trip specifically to play many rounds at many places over many days. During one of these trips, dad pulled off a mini miracle. While struggling through the front nine of a beautiful sunny day, dad put his tee in the ground on the 10th hole. Trying to pick dad up, Tony said something to the extent, “new nine holes, start it off well.” Dad pulled out his best swing of the day, driving the ball into the sky. As the ball climbed in elevation heading straight down the fairway, a bird flew across the flight path intersecting exactly with the speeding ball. The bird and ball collided and feathers went poof fluttering down to the ground. Unfortunately, the ball also went straight down. For all of Dad’s perfect swing execution, the ball went 100 yards and didn’t make the fairway. It was Dad’s only birdie of the day. Golf is still very much a part of Tony’s life. Golf trips like the ones to Chelan are still part of his life. I know Tony is going to miss teeing it up with Dad.

Christmas Eve at Grandma’s there was a tradition that the youngest child has to sort the presents. Tony and I hated it. When you are a kid, you just want to open the presents. Who cares how they get to you? Well now that we have kids of our own, this tradition doesn’t seem so bad. One of the best things that I got to experience over the summer was bringing my family to hang out at Dad and Sandie’s house, with Tony and his family. Once again the house was full of kids running around and playing in the pool. The look at pride on Dad’s face was something I will carry with me forever.

On September the 21st, Dad passed away quietly with a pretty blonde girl holding his hand. The same girl that he met 35 years ago, on September 21, at a dart tournament. Goodbye Dad, you will missed by many people. The world is a little less funny and a little more quite. We love you.


Sunday, March 3, 2013

Last Week In Review: The Meatloaf Edition


Tuesday.

Wendy: What do you want for dinner? Me: Your Super Awesome Meatloaf! W: That takes too much time, it's a weekend thing. Me: I can wait! Yay.

Thursday.

Wendy: Remember, we have Jordan's baseball practice and then Jared's party Saturday. Me: Sooooooo, no meatloaf on that day huh? W: That's right; Saturday is about other people, not just you eating meatloaf.

Sunday morning.

Wendy: The massage place called and they can get me in for the spa day that you got me for Valentine’s Day. Me: And this affects our dinner plans hoooooooow? W: Yeah, I won't have time to make meatloaf. Me: So, betrayed by my romantic gesture! See, this is why guys hate Valentine’s Day! It always screws us out of Super Awesome Meatloaf!

Sunday afternoon.

Wendy: That spa treatment was so great. Thank you Baby. Me: I'm glad you enjoyed it. Hey, what is in all those grocery bags? W: Stuff for meatloaf. Me: What?! Is there meatloaf in my immediate future? W: Yes, it looks like I have the time to get it done. Me: YAY!

Sunday evening.

Me: So worth the wait! Thank you girl, you are too good to me. Wendy: You are very welcome. And now, get in the kitchen and clean that mess!

Saturday, January 12, 2013

The Conversation I Am Dreading With My Ten Year Old



I can see myself sitting on the couch, banging away on the keyboard writing weird Joey stuff, with my headphones on listening to music. Jordan would see me and being the naturally curious boy that he is, he would tap on my shoulder. “What are you listening to?” Now, those of you that know me really well will say that I have terrible music tastes.  I would be inclined to agree but despite that, I have no problems talking about it.

“I am listening to Winger.”

“Winger? That’s a weird name.”

“Yeah, that’s true but there is a reason for it.” A quick Google Image search later and I show Jordan a bunch of pictures. “This is Kip Winger. He is the singer and the band is named after him.”

 “Oh…why is his shirt off in all the pictures?”

Ah, the 80’s. How do you explain the 80’s to a kid? You don’t, you punt instead. “That’s a good question; you are full of good questions.” I would then put my headphones back on and get back to writing. However, knowing Jordan this would not be the end of it.

“Can I listen too?” While it’s all well and good that I listen to this stuff but how, as a guy trying to be a responsible father, can I subject him to it?

“No, no you can’t”

“Well, why not?”

“Because Winger is small part of a larger grab bag of things from the 80’s that should just die with my generation.  I know you don’t understand right now but you will later when your kids ask you about Ke$ha.”

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

So I Wrote a Fake Facebook Conversation

If the Star Wars charactors were on Facebook, more importantly, if Lando was on Facebook what would a post look like? Maybe like this one?Check it out; Lando verses the Star Wars universe.


Wednesday, October 17, 2012

The Grocery Store...It's A Trap!



So I went to the grocery store today. Those of you new to my posts will probably wonder what the big deal is. Thousands of people go to grocery stores all the time without anything happening. The rest of you that follow along my misadventures know differently. So here we go, a post about Joey going to the grocery store.

As I was walking through the produce section, yeah I said it; produce section, I was trying to remember if I had garlic. I was walking around thinking “Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic? Do we have garlic?” While I'm thinking about that, a helpful employee comes up and asks if he could help me. I respond “Do you know if I have garlic?” He gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and walks away.

Next, I had to find some canned tomatoes and tomato paste. So I'm walking up and down the canned fruit vegetable and section and I'm trying to figure out if tomatoes are fruits or vegetables. Turns out, that the point is moot since the canned tomatoes are kept in with the pasta sauces. This led me to be painfully aware that I am way too domesticated and would never survive again by myself in the wild.

I take all my stuff and go to checkout. The nice young lady grabs the dozen roses that I am going to give Wendy and a thorn gets her in the palm of her hand. This leads me to say “Every rose has it's thorn huh?” She gives me a smile that all retail people use to humor idiot customers and keeps on ringing me up. I didn’t care because I got to quote Poison so my day was complete. Here is where I want to point out that Wendy better appreciate the roses since they literally has cause people to have blood on their hands.

After I bought my stuff, the nice young lady handed me my receipt and said “Thank you mister Lantz.” We need to get a new club card together.

Friday, July 27, 2012

I Give Some Stepfatherly Advice (Some of which might actually be good)

When Jordan and I got in the pool, I noticed that he had a bunch of scratches, scraps and scabs on his arms, legs, chest and back. I started to ask “How did you get that scratch? Where did that scrap come from?”

“I fell off my scooter. I got this from climbing a tree. I’m sorry Joe.” I when laughed and said “Don’t be. A nine year old boy needs to have those. I would be worried if you didn’t. Never apologize for being hurt or wounded. Never be embarrassed by your scars.”

He looked at me all confused and asked why. “Because all of those hurts make you who you are today and will continue to shape you into the man you will be. Every scar tells a story and all of those stories tell how you became you.” I pulled my leg out of the water and showed his a two inch scar on my shin. “I got this at my Dad’s pool when I was jumping up and down on the diving board. After about 10 bounces, I then decided to dive in. While in the air, I changed my mind, tried to land back on the board and ended up falling head first into the pool and scrapping my shin along the edge of the diving board. Ask my brother about sometime. He will laugh is butt off telling the story.”

I pointed to a scar above my eye, “I got this running head first in a corner of a wall. This one was from slicing boxes open with a razor knife and missing.” Jordan started to laugh. “Did you cry?” I looked him in the eyes and smirked “Some of them yeah, I cried. Others, no. The point is this: All of them hurt but I got better and when I tell all the time that chicks dig scars, it’s not because they think we were brave and heroic when we got them. Chicks, or more to the point, your mom loves all my scars because they are part of me. She accepts the good and the bad and the scarred since they helped me become the man she is going to marry tomorrow. And I love all of her scars because they are part of her and helped her become the woman she is.

"Our lives are in part defined by a lifetime of stories. We learn from our mistakes and grow a little with each cut or scratch or scrap. If you don’t learn fast enough, well maybe the next cut will help you. As your stepfather, I might get mad at you for trying dumb things but remember this: There are not that many dumb things you can do that I haven’t done already. I will try to help you navigate through some the more stupid things you will want to try but I also know that you need to make your own mistakes too. But I want you to wear those scars proudly and never forget how you got them since there will be a special someone in your life that will want to hear how you got scars.”

“Joe, are you done talking yet? I want you to throw me across the pool."